Period Shits

Yep, that time again. Where I am totally grateful that I am stinking out the house and corroding the toilet bowl because I know I am not preggers. Ahh this time it was worse than normal, because Joshua and I had eaten a roast dinner yesterday with Pat Simon and Ekika and we had lots of stuffing with a fresh onion in it. So it wasn't just me polluting the atmosphere, it was Joshua too, except I carried it over.

I feel better today, I still hate work too, I don't have a fuck what I am doing, nor do I give a give one, but I am getting on with it, well as much as I can for someone who hasn't got a clue. The bosses came to introduce themselves to me. Someone introduced me and they said 'ooh what do you do' etc and I replied honestly with 'I don't know, I do what I am told but even thats difficult. Who are you? What do you do?' Everyone laughed. Ah well. I was being serious! I felt my face go red and I wasn't embaressed cos I was being honest, and it's not my fault that no one trained me or introduced me. I wanted to ask them more questions, like 'what ACTUALLY happens here. I don't know anything about finance. PLEASE.' But they went. I have to use Lotus notes which is fucking awful and really dumb and I swear I have pressed send, but it doesn't seem to actually send? Least I can't tell if it has or not. The help thing is crap too as it doesn't tell me what I want to know. I don't understand what its on about when its trying to help me so I have no chance.

I think tomorrow I am going to use my time (which is rather free at my desk) to look for info about doing the STEP foundation course. STEP stands for something like society for trust and equity professionals. It'll help me to get where I want to go I know that much, although I bet it'll cost a ton.

I hate most people at my work by the way, no reason, just that some are vapid. Really vapid.

Joshua is trying to write a covering letter for a job he is going to apply for. He also has some meeting or something about another interview with an agency. I will keep my fingers crossed for him.

He was so stressed yesterday and I really worried about him. I hate not being able to help him and make things right for him. I know how frustrating it must be for him and I know it can't help him having me fret and irritate him so I do my best to just 'be there' and try and him up. I would do anything for that boy and not question it if I thought it might make him feel better in someway. I don't know why that is, I guess it must be because I love him a lot, which is obvious, but I certainly don't want to sound like a doormat, I wouldn't let him walk all over me, but you know, its hard to explain. He makes me feel like I can do anything. Any doubt I have, gone, and worry, he works it out. He listens to me when I am upset, he makes me feel strong and like I can really achieve anything. Maybe thats why I am willing to do anything for him? I don't know really, this has all gotten a bit deep. Either way, I love that boy with all my heart, lungs, toes, tonsils if I had 'em, you get me drift. Anything either one of us goes through, we both go through it. I hope he realises I am there for him if he needs it. And that I am grateful he is always there for me.


I have a bit of a headache so I should probably go now.