A step closer to what I am owed - and a bit about SG

I filled out some forms today from Kroll regarding my overdue wages/holiday money that I am entitled too. Will send them tomorrow, as well as Tawnyas package.

I am now home and answering many emails and myspace messages about SG. I really don't care about that site and the drama anymore. I am not even anything to do with all the DVD/Burlesque GodsGirls stuff anyways. I wish people would stop asking me. I am still a member of the SG Sux forum on Myspace and I know I shouldn't be, but its a good chance for me to find out whats happened or is happening. I can't just turn off what was a good several hours of browsing that site a day. It's wierd. I spoke briefly to Dusty about it who said that she felt a bit wierd without SG. Like a sort of hole was there. I am glad to have left, I know that it was a good move for me, but its still strange. I've good things and bad things to say about it. But I am not a mud slinger. Partly, for me as a remote model and not very popular, I was never embroiled in any drama like what is going on right now, my beef is on a smaller scale with members/SGs personally in the UK.

I'm glad to be able to say I've walked away unscathed and have got what is precious still. Joshua, friendships with some of the girls like Charley, and members like Hazel and Jamie who now is living with Fleur. I don't deny it brought me some great opportunities. I am sure it could have brought me more if I metaphorically sucked some virtual cock, prostituted myself out on my journal for wishlist pressies, hinted at stuff and acted like a slut at meets. But I am glad i didn't. For the record, I did get some wishlist presents; I recieved some lego, a Mr Frosty, a DVD and some books and I was totally suprised by this. It was my birthday while I was an SG so I think that played a part. I was totally overwhelmed and it was a nice gesture. Everyone likes recieiving gifts. I know its a bit whorey even having a wishlist, but I never thought for a second I'd get anything. I spent more time looking at other peoples and getting my friends pressies. I had one when I was a member so I thought nothing of it.

I was always myself on that site. People can say what they want, but I was never a liar or a fraud and everything I said and did was genuinely my personality and maybe thats why the people I made friends with, or the members I spoke with, liked me or what have you. I never intentionally sucked up to anyone, and if I saw something I didn't like, I said so, or just ignored it. After all, its not worth getting so upset about a bloody web page. And everyone knows arguing on the internet is stupid.

I went to an all girls school and know what it is like to be around girls all the time. Theres a lot of bitchiness and stuff, if you look carefully. But I don't know, I don't really expect it when I am 25, but saying that, I do when I think about the KIND of girls that might be drawn to do Suicide Girls and what it means to them and what they can get from it. I didn't like some of the girls, as they were nasty or bitchy or just plain morose or vapid, but thats like any walk of live, and I'd rather not name names and just ignore it. They can't help it that I have short attention span or don't have time for them, I am sure they don't have time for me either. Maybe some of them are playing a 'role' and being a part, like an actress. Its kind of safe to have an internet persona I think. Although I still don't have any respect for nasty bitchy girls. Its not cool and it certainly don't make me want to look or talk to them, let alone pay them any attention.

I am right now more annoyed at myself for actaully caring about SG and whats going on. Theres enough soap drama on TV I can watch. I miss shooting sets and having ideas about how to improve them. I suppose I could still do them, but the process and suprise of seeing the final thing would be different.

On a totally personal note, and I really don't want to get anyone in trouble or name names again or point fingers, but I am glad to be away from the memories I have of having my heart broken, having friends suddenly disown me because of Josh. Getting mental emails, crying myself to sleep at night because I somehow pissed Cherry off, or before that, about rent and bills, going to meets and not knowing exactly what I was supposed to say or do or having anything in common with some of them, having people come to my house, that I readily invited in, only to have them stab me in the back later on.

I've learnt from SG not to be so trusting of some people. Or rather, trust my own intuition. Also, SG taught me that the internet eats time.

I'm glad I was a Suicide Girl but I have moved on now and I am looking forward to the next chapter of my life here in Jersey with Josh, already its having its ups and downs and we seem to be settling in nicely. I will take all my good memories with me and learn from the bad ones.

I am still Ciel, the loopy lego girl with big jubblies that you saw on your screen post pictures of cakes and threadjacked everything in the SG lounge when it got dull or a bit 'stressy'... if you want to see more of me you don't have to pay _____ a month, or join whatever sites or apply somewhere, you have to be Joshua.