Meh part 2

I really miss being on SG. Now the weathers getting a bit shitty I am back online. Puzle pirates is good but I miss the groups, and the journals and the fun I had talking to people. I know its GOOD the people who only spoke to me when I was an SG don't talk to me anymore, but I really notice it. Now most of the SG people that talk to me, that aren't my actual friends or randoms, ask me about why I left, or just to moan and talk about themselves. I live in Jersey, I could get that from anyone here.

I wonder if I asked if they'd have me bad. Maybe after I am married I'll go back. I mean its like an added incentive. I don't even have to shoot some sets, I just like the conversation. I know its really lame and I am not fishing for compliments or anything, but I feel a bit like atleast then, I was an SG. Now I am no one. I wasn't a fucking major celeb or some shit, thats not what I mean, but I always had people to talk to, and got emails and messages offering me to be in videos and magazines which was cool. I didn't do a lot of them, but its still something. I miss the nice compliments obviously but I also miss the actual friendly chatty emails and comments.

I know there is a lot of good things going on in my life and around me. I am totally grateful for my friends and family, and wonderful Joshua, but other than that, my life is empty and dull. I don't really know what I want to do, or anything like that. Nothing keeps my attention and atleast Sg did that. I used to like writing to girls and sending packages, and also making banners and things. I was part of a community. And now I don't have it. I lost another platform to speak to my friends.

I am sure its just me going cold turkey and stuff, but I do miss everyone loads. Even though I griped about it but I loved it really. I know bad things happened, but that wasn't anything to do with me, I don;t even know the other girls. I didn't eve speak out publicly about what happened. I'm so ashamed of myself that I have to still be part of myspace, so I can read SG groups on there. And they aren't even the same. Everyones so angry. And I bet that makes me look bad.

Maybe when Joshua is working a while and the bills are sorted and we pay rent evenly I'll have some more money to go and do stuff. I'd like to learn to ride, which might sound gay cos I'm 25 and not one of the pony set. And join a gym and have someone to turn my brain off and work me really hard and push and push me. And maybe I'll have a regular job that doesn't suck and make me want to explode with boredom or cry a lot. Maybe one day I will want to paint again. Or draw. Or something. We talked about getting married before the end of the year. I don't even think it'll happen. I know I'll be the only one to even look into it. Which isn't really fair, and it makes me feel like a bloody mentalist hell bent on the idea. I do wanna get married but I'm so worried that somewhere I'll do all obsessed and run about like those girls with massive piles of wedding magazines. Not that we'd have a do like that anyways. I need a cuddle. I'm really tired and feel a bit ill. And my job is dull, but atleast I am doing something which is better than nothing. Ignore me, I'm feeling lonely and sorry for myself.