crikey

Well Ria can't go to New York. Rightfully so I guess her work have said that its too short notice and that she can't haev the time off. I guess by actually asking first she can't really just phone in sick either because they know that she wanted the time off. So now I have the daunting thought of going on my own. Part of me thinks it will be really really fun (I might be kidding myself) and that even if it isn't it'd be a shove in the right direction for me in terms of gaining my independance back.

But the other half of me says that its a fucking stupid idea. Even when I was independant before I still needed company. I like companionship and I am certainly not my brother who is happy to go off round Europe and sleep in squats and make friends with complete nutters. He is the lone wolf. I don't mind going to have some adventures on my own, but seeing as I have never been there I would like to have someone to share it with, even if they haven't been there before, because its, well, like a buddy system. I don't need someone who has been there before to hold my hand and show me the way, but its like the same reason I am not going back straight to London now, because I'll be poor, disorientated and on my own. Talk about running before you can walk. Even the hotel, I was looking online for single rooms but they work out more expensive in nearly all the places I looked, and otherwise I'll just have to pay for a doubleroom and have it to myself, and I was going to pay for a double room anyways, so whoever came with me didn't have to, it was my incentive/gift to Ria for coming with me if she could, because I was planning to pay for it for me and Joshua when we arranged to go. I'm glad I haven't booked it yet because I imagine it would have been another thing I couldn't have changed. It doesn't seem right forking out for a big old room because I have to, just because I can't get a cheap single room for meself. So anyways, I looked up to see if I could find any hostels online, thought if I am going on my own I may as well get the cheapest thing I can find, because either way I'm not going to get a bathroom to myself and atleast I might meet some people travelling on their own or something, but now I am even more confused because I think that I have to pay for a whole dorm or something, and I am still not sure where or what is a good area. I've read up about it all so much now I am really confused. I'm not panicking but I am starting to stress a little about it. I should be looking forward to it, but I'm finding it a little hard because me being me when I get excited, I sort of 'feed my energy' off other people or something like that. You might not get what I mean, but I do. So ner. I wanted to go and have a few of my own ideas about what to do and see, but because I haven't been there before I don't want to miss out on something and because there are LOADS of things to do and see, it's kinda like total overload. I don't know whats better than the other thing and have heard so many opinions I am really confused. I don't want to go there and waste my time wandering aimlessly on my own, I don't want to go shopping on my own and I don't want to eat dinner on my own in restaurants and I don't want to go out to bars and shows and clubs on my own. The thought of being on my own in such a large city is making me shit my pants and to be honest, when I think that it was supposed to be a trip for the two of us it makes me feel quite sad, because the one of two things that I was really keen on doing, I knew exactly who I wanted to be there with.

Natalie and Bobby are over at the same time with their friends so maybe I could ask fi I could hang out with them a bit, but I know Natalie is wanting to shoot with SG while she is thereand is staying with their friends in an apartment so its very coupley. Blah.

You probably think I am being really stupid. But I can't help how I feel about social stuff and being shy and a bit afraid and whatever. I've never been to America or anything. I've not been on a long haul flight on my own. I've only ever been on one before to Australia and I was younger with my brother and Dad. I can tell you now that we were very very excited and I don't want to sit next to someone who I don't know or doesn't want to talk to me or is wierd or will be wierded out about me crying a lot on the plane.