So the count down begins until we go back to the UK. I am looking forward to it immensely however in the meantime there is some shitty stuff to be done, including a week of boredom at Highlands studying for my STEP International Diploma - Trustee Investment & Financial Appraisal paper. This is the last one I have to do. LAST one. I should really put some effort in as leaving my firm means that I have to pay fucking £6k for the cost of the diploma. Gah. Well I have to keep reminding myself it is for the free lunches. If I learn anything on these things, that a bonus and passing is always a great reward, although I certainly don't deserve it as I never study. I never have time to study and I never have any inclination to do any. It's boring as hell. And right now I have too much to think about, with financial woes, a baby-almost toddler with a cold and a move. So we'll see. I hate how the exam people take it insanely seriously as well. I am due on any day now and I scared that I'll get my insanely heavy period whilst I am there, because the examiner people will think something suspect is going on if I need to go to the toilet every 30 or so minutes. I really don't want to bleed all over my clothes in an exam room.
The annoying thing about it really is the trek up there and back. It wouldn't be so bad had I not have to drop Addie off... she is right at the other end of town. So tomorrow morning I have to go to work, drop Addie off, and double back on myself and go past my flat and then go up to Highlands. After Highlands I have to go back into town, past my house, past work and then slog up the other giant hill in Jersey to get Adelaide, only to bring her back down and past work to come back home. For 5 days on the trot. I'm going to be late in because of that trek in the morning I might add, because Jeanette can't really get into town earlier and nor can she drop me off because Shivani's parents are always so fucking late and the traffic would be a shitter. Oh well, maybe I'll loose a bit of weight, who knows, because it isn't as if I'll be eating all day like I would at work!
Patrick is visiting friends at the moment this weekend. He went for a long drive there with his sister and is as I type driving back. I've done the trip with him once, its a long drive and not fun when you have work to go to the next morning. I hope he had fun, he works too hard and deserves a nice break with friends. Although I do miss seeing his face and hearing his voice via Skype. Text messages aren't quite the same and I know Addie missed him. She was extra nosey with the laptop today. Patrick told me that his close friend is expecting another baby. I am super excited for them. Although I don't know them too well, I'm sure it's a very exciting and loving time for them. I feel a bit weird about and I can't really explain why. I mean, I have a baby of my own who I love to pieces, and I would like to have more (at least another 2 but maybe don't tell Patrick this just yet haha) and I know we will eventually and I am enjoying Addie and it'll get so much better when its the 3 of us all the time, but I just can't find the words. Is it jealously? I don't know? It isn't like me to be so negative about something like this. I think it might have something to do with the fact that although my pregnancy was physically the easiest thing I have ever done in my life and have been complimented on, emotionally it was extremely stressful early on and I had to prepare myself for the worst, that I would be a single parent. I am technically now a single parent day to day, but I mean without the emotional support from Patrick and all that other stuff. Had I of been, I would have left Jersey long ago, I'd certainly have no choice, but maybe that is it. Maybe I am jealous that they can enjoy the adventure that is having a baby together? The scans, the appointments, the apprehension and anxiety and the name guessing journey that all new parents go on. The optimist in me says we can do that with baby no. 2 one day, but the rest of me knows it wouldn't be the same. I sound all whiny and moany and it isn't like I feel I have missed out on something, because I knew exactly what I was getting into from the start and I am grateful that things have worked out with Patrick, because I love him and am grateful that he feels the same way about me and Adelaide, but yeah sometimes I feel a smidgen of bitterness that the shit wasn't got together earlier, but y'know what? I know that it had to happen that way, if only so that I knew Patrick's intentions were genuine. We all laugh now that he didn't tell his parents until I was 6 days OVERDUE (having known himself about the baby since maybe 7 months beforehand) but I wish things could have played out a little differently. It makes me sad that I had to rely on myself and work colleagues and friends before I could turn to him for 80% of my pregnancy and that I tried my best to not pressure him into anything or on the other hand shut him out from the decisions and information I learnt along the way and that was frankly exhausting and still fucking wound him up and stressed him out, so that was really a waste of time! (Examples, when I went for scans, out of courtesy I asked him if he wanted scan pictures, or if he had any name suggestions out of respect, even though I knew he was freaking out, I wanted to at least know that if I looked back on the whole experience that I had always give him the option to do _____, you know?) but anyways, that is just another reminder of how fucked up our situation is and how much I've had to do on my own. Don't get me wrong, I think it makes Adelaide a little more special to me, and I feel bad that Patrick has missed out too in the long run.
Anyways, enough of this negativity, today Megan and the babies and I went to Elizabeth Castle, there was a lot of dragging buggies up steps and looking at stone castles and strange out crops where Saint's used to sleep, and muskets going off, but really the best bit was going out there on the Puddle Duck boat/car things, oh my god the girls loved it. I had to practically drag Adelaide back into the thing as she kept on launching herself out of the windows, desperate to get a good look at the sea and the birds. Erin was the same. It was awesome, had we known, I think we would have rode them all day!
I'm going to sleep now, 2 hours later than I should but Addie was late going down, she is all ill and coldy. I hope not too seriously because I think Jeanette my childminder is taking them swimming. I am a little bummed out, but as I said I think that is partly period related and I have a lot on my plate at the moment. I finished my chores and sterilising of bottles and the obligatory 2 washing loads a night, so I bid you all adieu!
Wish me luck!
The annoying thing about it really is the trek up there and back. It wouldn't be so bad had I not have to drop Addie off... she is right at the other end of town. So tomorrow morning I have to go to work, drop Addie off, and double back on myself and go past my flat and then go up to Highlands. After Highlands I have to go back into town, past my house, past work and then slog up the other giant hill in Jersey to get Adelaide, only to bring her back down and past work to come back home. For 5 days on the trot. I'm going to be late in because of that trek in the morning I might add, because Jeanette can't really get into town earlier and nor can she drop me off because Shivani's parents are always so fucking late and the traffic would be a shitter. Oh well, maybe I'll loose a bit of weight, who knows, because it isn't as if I'll be eating all day like I would at work!
Patrick is visiting friends at the moment this weekend. He went for a long drive there with his sister and is as I type driving back. I've done the trip with him once, its a long drive and not fun when you have work to go to the next morning. I hope he had fun, he works too hard and deserves a nice break with friends. Although I do miss seeing his face and hearing his voice via Skype. Text messages aren't quite the same and I know Addie missed him. She was extra nosey with the laptop today. Patrick told me that his close friend is expecting another baby. I am super excited for them. Although I don't know them too well, I'm sure it's a very exciting and loving time for them. I feel a bit weird about and I can't really explain why. I mean, I have a baby of my own who I love to pieces, and I would like to have more (at least another 2 but maybe don't tell Patrick this just yet haha) and I know we will eventually and I am enjoying Addie and it'll get so much better when its the 3 of us all the time, but I just can't find the words. Is it jealously? I don't know? It isn't like me to be so negative about something like this. I think it might have something to do with the fact that although my pregnancy was physically the easiest thing I have ever done in my life and have been complimented on, emotionally it was extremely stressful early on and I had to prepare myself for the worst, that I would be a single parent. I am technically now a single parent day to day, but I mean without the emotional support from Patrick and all that other stuff. Had I of been, I would have left Jersey long ago, I'd certainly have no choice, but maybe that is it. Maybe I am jealous that they can enjoy the adventure that is having a baby together? The scans, the appointments, the apprehension and anxiety and the name guessing journey that all new parents go on. The optimist in me says we can do that with baby no. 2 one day, but the rest of me knows it wouldn't be the same. I sound all whiny and moany and it isn't like I feel I have missed out on something, because I knew exactly what I was getting into from the start and I am grateful that things have worked out with Patrick, because I love him and am grateful that he feels the same way about me and Adelaide, but yeah sometimes I feel a smidgen of bitterness that the shit wasn't got together earlier, but y'know what? I know that it had to happen that way, if only so that I knew Patrick's intentions were genuine. We all laugh now that he didn't tell his parents until I was 6 days OVERDUE (having known himself about the baby since maybe 7 months beforehand) but I wish things could have played out a little differently. It makes me sad that I had to rely on myself and work colleagues and friends before I could turn to him for 80% of my pregnancy and that I tried my best to not pressure him into anything or on the other hand shut him out from the decisions and information I learnt along the way and that was frankly exhausting and still fucking wound him up and stressed him out, so that was really a waste of time! (Examples, when I went for scans, out of courtesy I asked him if he wanted scan pictures, or if he had any name suggestions out of respect, even though I knew he was freaking out, I wanted to at least know that if I looked back on the whole experience that I had always give him the option to do _____, you know?) but anyways, that is just another reminder of how fucked up our situation is and how much I've had to do on my own. Don't get me wrong, I think it makes Adelaide a little more special to me, and I feel bad that Patrick has missed out too in the long run.
Anyways, enough of this negativity, today Megan and the babies and I went to Elizabeth Castle, there was a lot of dragging buggies up steps and looking at stone castles and strange out crops where Saint's used to sleep, and muskets going off, but really the best bit was going out there on the Puddle Duck boat/car things, oh my god the girls loved it. I had to practically drag Adelaide back into the thing as she kept on launching herself out of the windows, desperate to get a good look at the sea and the birds. Erin was the same. It was awesome, had we known, I think we would have rode them all day!
I'm going to sleep now, 2 hours later than I should but Addie was late going down, she is all ill and coldy. I hope not too seriously because I think Jeanette my childminder is taking them swimming. I am a little bummed out, but as I said I think that is partly period related and I have a lot on my plate at the moment. I finished my chores and sterilising of bottles and the obligatory 2 washing loads a night, so I bid you all adieu!
Wish me luck!
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