Grrr

Hi February!  I hope you are a little easier to handle that January was.  2 days in and I am not so sure.

I haven't updated much of late because I've been so busy.  Doing what, I couldn't say, because I have little to show for it.  Most people come back after a period of absence with a good excuse, like they run a marathon or had a baby or a holiday or something.  Not me.  I barely feel like I'm keeping afloat.  We are in this routine of work home bed work home bed and so on.  I love my job though, but it has definitely gotten like this since I started it.  I hope it settles down because I feel so run down and exhausted, and it is making me really miserable.  I do need to eat better, but when things feel this hectic I don't have time to make a nice dinner and I don't feel like eating something that takes longer than toast to cook.  I want something instant and gratifying to give me energy and comfort.  I had a rough time with my "lady time" last week, and that seemingly went on forever.  It was like 5 periods at once, and I had 2 nightmares at work, 2 days running, and then I got a sty in my eye, which I don't think I've ever had (I felt like I'd been punched in the face and had grit in my eye, yet it didn't look like conjunctivitis or anything like that) and I was covered in zits.  I am not a spotty person, although New England has given me very dry skin in the winter.  So I've been covered in dry flakey patches and up until today, the last week with about 7 massive zits.  I'm about to go to bed and get some sleep, but I wanted to get this all down and have a little brain dump.  Maybe I'll come back and reflect on it tomorrow, who knows.

This last week or two I've felt so rotten by the time I get home, I want to burst into tears.  All the little things that don't bother me, or only bother me on certain days, have got to me from about 2pm in the afternoon, progressively getting worse until I admit defeat and acknowledge that I am emotionally and physically broken and should reboot for the morning.  I am usually fine in the morning, but then it all starts all over again.  We get back from work, after picking up a hyper Adelaide, and then we spend 45 minutes in the car and some days I feel like I am watching Addie and Patrick go head to head pushing each others buttons.  This usually continues getting out of the car, up the stairs and well into dinner. After then wrestling Addie into eating some dinner (always cereal or plain pasta with butter, never anything else ever!) we wind her down and get her into bed for 7.30pm.  Some times it takes longer.  Then we eat.  Tonight I did laundry and washing up as well, which is most nights.  I feel like we get home and we never have a chance to unwind or blow off steam.  I'm not even sure what I'd do to unwind.  I feel so tightly wound up and frayed at the edges just thinking about it makes me teary.  By the time we do what we need to do, it is bed time. Patrick is having some friends over to play XBOX. I do not begrudge him a games night ever, I like his friends, but now I am tired I am reminded at how far away my old friends are and how I don't yet have enough new friends to do that, so it upsets me or makes me grumpier.  What the hell is wrong with me!

I need a detox from life or something.  I need to wake up tomorrow, and it be 11am, and I am in a spa or something and I'm being called for a nice warm mud bath and a massage.  And then maybe someone will come and cut my hair whilst I'm given a nice cup of tea and some mini cakes.

So this is me,  signing off because thinking about it all makes my eyes well up.  I hate feeling like this because every little thing I see upsets me, or just goes under a microscope and winds me up more than it ever would.  Something reminds me of all the things that angered me and now I am angry about them all at once. Angry and upset and frustrated and awake.  When I am tired.  I should be sleeping, but now I am mentally awake and all these things are bubbling under the surface.  I don't quite feel comfortable talking about all the little things that are upsetting me, but I feel stupid that they've got to me so much.

I'm so tired it has made me crazy.  Or am I crazy and just tired of it?