its better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all

After our bbq today, Josh and I sat with my aunt and talked over the past and how things came to be the way they were. We talked about different family members and situations and, in turn, events that brought us to where we were.

Its now 2 minutes to Pats birthday. Josh is asleep after digging the garden and I am tired, but wide awake pondering the dinner conversation. Not about my mother, which is a change. Haha.

What if you life changes and isnt what you had planned? Like you started a life with someone, or a business and put your heart and soul into it only to have it taken away from you. It's not happened to me, but I suppose its happened to everyone around me. My dad, Pat and Josh. ( I was young so didnt really know.) Like dad with my mum, but now with Sue. This isn't a "woe is me i'm second best am I?" entry, just more of a random of what I am thinking. Some people have seen such horrible things in their life, and I can't imagine what it was like for them. If that was me, I think would have found it hard to accept it and move on. I still have chips on my shoulders about boys who broke my heart I don't think I could readilly accept that everything I had wanted wanted in life had gone. Dad and Sue have both lost partners. They didn't chose to divorce or leave them. Maybe they would have if they had lived, say, a few years down the line... but who is to say.

What is love? Does love live forever? I'm in love now, and I am so happy to be so. I want to savour each moment, and I think I do, hence my stupid grin! If someone takes that love away from you, and you didn't ask for it to go, you don't stop feeling for that person thats gone. But life goes on, so where does it go? And if you loved someone that much, surely everyone you meet afterwards isn't a patch. After my mum died, I pretty much put her on a mental pedastool. I guess I didn't know her warts and all, but no one will ever take her place. Maybe Sue feels like second best?

I suppose it depends on what you believe in; everything happens for a reason isn't exactly great for some people who get a rough ride in life, but then again, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger

I love the boy so much, and I've always wanted him to be happy, because he deserves it. I would do anything for him, without question if I thought it would make him happy or his life better. Throughout thick and thin I would like to think I have been there for him but worry, that, presumably because of how I think about loosing my mother, and that no one will ever be able to replace her, that I will never be that special someone equal to him, that he had in his previous life. That sounds so awful I know. I feel like I'm thinking of myself too much. I dunno, I'm not jealous, but, I don't know.

I guess its cos I am women and all women are mental. I worry that because my life has not been to hard compared to others that I don't serve to be as happy as I feel I am. I don't know how, but I have met wonderful person who I hope to spend my life with, and I feel lucky. The gay part of me hopes that they love me as much as I love them, and they don't feel pressured into it. I just feel guilty really, maybe I am being dumb. My dads life didn't end when my mum died, but to some extent he sort of went through the motions. And 13 years down the line, he still seems really wierd about it. I know I would be. Maybe Sue is about her husband, maybe they are just finding a common bond of companionship.

I don't want a common bond. I want love. If did find out I was second best or Josh was 'going through the motions' I'd set him free. I mean, I have done once before. It broke my heart, but I love that boy so much his welfare and happiness is more important to me than anything in the world.

I remember when we split up for a while, I didn't keep a journal other than SG or myspace, which was a good thing. I wrote so much in that myspace account it was embaressing to go back and read it. It wasnt for anyones benefit or to make Josh feel bad, it was an outlet for me. Sometimes I am a bad 'women', I find it so hard to talk about my feelings. Especially to Josh, who is so quite and private, I feel like its a total overload to him, also if is about Josh, who do I talk to? Hes my friend and my lover, but when we split up, I needed a friend like him, but I didnt have one to hand so I waffled on.

I wrote this on the 14th September 2004

I see them so upset and I can't do anything to help them and it makes me sad they wont let me in. We're supposed to be friends now and I dont know what I can do to make it okay. I know I am a factor that influenced the outcome of them being turned down. I didn't wanna see him sad. I wanted him to be happy. Even though it wasn't with me, I still wanted him happy. I don't understand how guys react. I know exactly how he is feeling and he doesn't care. I'm struggling to do the the right thing by everyone and it hurt me so much now I have just stopped feeling anything and I've backed away. But I still have the reminders there daily.

I wanna sort this out and get done with everything cos the more I need to talk about it I feel selfish and I am boring myself. but I cant handle it anymore. I dont wanna go to bed on my own and wake up alone and feel empty. The hugs and affectionate passing gestures dried up long ago and I know its cos they are hurting or feel like they dont wanna talk to me about it or are even wierded out by stuff. But we're friends and I wanna talk about how I feel and somehow it seems trivial when they feel so shit themselves and seem to hold me responsible. And I care about them so much, even as a friend and hold them in such high regard that I want to talk to them about it. Despite everything I trust them and feel comfortable with sharing these thoughts with them. But it feels like they've gone. And I am selfish I know.

Well I think I actually have 2 people on my Alex pedastool. :rollseyes: In a nonstalker wierd way obviously. Kinda makes sense I don't want to get 1.hurt 2.made to look stupid 3.feel second best.

I suppose its my own fault for never having anyone else to feel like this about. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally grateful, some people never even experience it.

But some do, and loose it. Where do you go from there? And how does that affect your life in the long run? Which is my point entirely.