too awake to sleep

Or something like that. I am wide awake with million things running through my head. Mainly job stuff. I mean, i dont know what to do about the temp jobs. The money is lame for both, neither are what I want to be doing. Working for banks isn't fun doing menial stuff like me. I' d rather be doing trust work. I know looking like I do people might think I am very good, and I knw my hair makes me look crap too. I'll be able to afford work shoes soon as well. But I do work hard, and I know JTC and KB were really pleased with my work, even though I didn't stay at either long. I'm able I am bright and I try really hard. I have a degree and I know i don't use it, but I don't know what I want to do with my life. But who does? I want to get settled in a job and join the ranks so speak. I want to make friends and be part of a team. Maybe everyone was right I should have done something worthwhile with my life and not 'made ends meet'. I'm doing okay now, I mean I don't mind supporting us both for now, although I know Josh hates it, but things could be worse. And I am better off for not bing in London. Temping is lonely. I don't have any friends here anymore. I am glad to be back, yes, but its not really going to plan is it? Josh and I don't know anyone apart from a few of my aunties friends so I think he's rather fed up too. I'm so embaressed I brought him here and I think he might regret moving. Its worse as he isn't working yet, so we spend a lot of time together. I hope I am not in his face too much. It's just awkward for me. I want to ask him about things and how he feels but he either says nothing is wrong or I don't know what to say so end up just tripping up around his heels like a puppydog. It's wierd cos sometimes he's quite, I mean he is anyways, but I really notice it more sometimes. Then I worry, because I am sure there is something different from normal, like when we split up, and I could see something bothering him and I guess when I think about it thats what I remember so I fret a bit. I guess he is tired. I am too. That filing really hurt my brain today. I should talk to excel and see what they say. Maybe they might realise I worth more like when I started and try and offer me something good. every temp job I get I seem to be getting further away from something I like or really want to do. I know they just give me whatever to make up the numbers but I am worth more than what they are giving me. I don't want to pee off 1stR or XL, but one of them will have to miss out on their commission this time. I'm so tired I want to sleep. I need a cuddle so bad this minute but I was such a grump to Joshua earlier and now I feel like I've put him in a grump. I was trying to sleep and thinking about work and stuff made my stomach hurt so badly that I had to get up. I wonder if he reads this. He helped me make it good, and he knows where it is. I don't think he'd comment, but I'd like to know if he did, atleast so I know if its alright to write about what I have so far, and that maybe he might tell me to stop being silly when I am and get all gay about stuff. I don't say that I want him to read it in somekind of selfish "oooh this is how I feel, you hurt my feelings, come lavish me with attention" way, just more of, I would appreciate him knowing how i felt candidly about stuff as I really do have trouble talking to him about my proper feelings as I feel dumb talking about them cos I care about what he thinks. But I guess its not his job or anything and it's probably pretty dull for him having to listen to me all the time as well as read about it. I'm not exactly coherant am I. I'm currently telling myself this is my period speaking. This is my period speaking. I wish I could sort myself out.