quick rant

Just to clarify, despite what Pat might have told you and Simon, that We haven't taken Pat's modem. It was never Pat's modem. I don't even know what is being disputed, because Pat and Joshua discussed this themselves, as its not even my broadband modem. Joshua's cost a lot of money and I gather that his was to be used until we moved out. I think it is because initially Pat wasn't too sure if she wanted broadband, and on top of the connection fee for broandband (fifty pounds) plus the monthly rental, it can be expensive if you add on the cost of a modem... which starts at 40 quid.

She called me at work on Monday asking about the thing, but wouldn't let me get a word in edgeways, plus I was really busy so couldn't talk to her properly about. Also, as it isn't my property, I haven't a clue about it. But I said as a goodwill jesture (just to stop her kicking off at me down the phone) I was going to get her one. I don't even know why she asked me about it. I haven't got a clue. But she always tells me, rather than speaking to Joshua... I haven't got a clue, he is his own person, I just want an easy life! Ask him!

I have put off going round fullstop because I feel like I am in the middle of something. I am fed up of being bullied and twisted round, I am grateful for everything she has done for me, but now, I can stand back and not feel obliged to do anything and wash my hands of her for a while. I was waiting for her to go away so I could go round and collect any post, and try and install a new broadband router for her. But now if I do that, she'll see it as some kind of admission of guilt, which it is not.

I'm finding it very hard to be inbetween her wanting her own way and Joshua putting his foot down. Joshua is now not happy with me trying to meet Pat half way and help her with a modem, because she knew originally what the score was, that it was not hers in the first place, and eventually she would have to buy a new one. We are not some kind of theives, which I imagine we have been painted out to be. I bet she is enjoying the attention and the fact that she can bad mouth us to her hearts content behind our backs, not that it ever stopped her doing that to my face when I was around. I don't want to upset anyone, least of all Joshua, but she is my aunty and I really hate the idea of upsetting/inconviencing her, even though I do seem to do most of the time even with good intention.

I'm fed up of trying to please her and have my own life, and get myself sorted. I know damn well I am not her daughter, and frankly, I'll never be good enough and that my life was no way as hard as hers and that anything that I do, is no way good enough or as important as anything that has happened to her. I can wash my hands of her now if I want to; shes not my mother. She's my mum's sister. I didn't know her till I was about 10. I can't handle the mood swings and the controlling snide comments that are supposed to envoke guilt trips or try to reassert her position of power around the house.

What really annoys me is that I have never ever done anything deliberately to upset her or acted maliciously towards her and really tried my best to make her happy, help her out and be nonconfrontational as much as possible. I think that is where I made my biggest mistake, because now she sees me still as a 14 year old door mat. I'll never be Olie, Simon and certainnly never as wonderful as Paul Harris, so heck, why try. I don't enjoy being labelled a black sheep and I certainly don't think I deserve that title.

Well I told her I am going round, so I will keep my word. If only so I can get my mail (hahah) but why should I help her when she expects it and is totally ungrateful? Why should I set up her computer to dial up again and cancel her broadband if that is what she wants?
I don't want to talk to her. I don't know how to install a broadband modem and I certainly will not be able to stomach any of that attitude she readily gives out. It's like talking to a brick wall. That is why I am writing this down, because I'll never be able to tell her exactly what I think. I'm going to try and offer her some help/olive branch when I go round, and if she doesn't take it, then that is it.

[/breathes]