Measuring a bit big already....
Pregnancy has been fun so far. I've learnt a lot about myself, and other people. For the most part, my hormones have mellowed out a bit but I still get annoyed at people trying to tell me how I might feel about things, just because they did it a certain way or felt certain feelings.
Anyways. Because I have been neglecting you, here is a little summary of the things I have learnt about pregnancy so far. The real things. None of that crap they tell you in those "What to Expect..." books. Bunch of lying cunts.
Things people say about childbirth and pregnancy and what they SHOULD actually say:
1. What they say:
"You might feel pressure on your bladder and/or feel the need to urinate more frequently while pregnant."
What that means:
You will most likely wet yourself on one or more occasions such as coughing, sneezing or laughing or if the little barstard is lying low and wants to headbutt your bladder. Luckily, these occurrences are usually reserved for the latter months of pregnancy.
2. What they say:
"You might have mood swings or feel irrational or irritable at times in early and late pregnancy."
What that means:
At various times, somewhere between your 1st and 9th month of pregnancy, you will probably convince yourself that your husbands/partners and men in general are the devil. Hell not just men, everyone. Only the devil would torment you by not doing what you asked of them, or just generally breathing. Of course, your partner may not understand the complexities of this phenomenon, which in turn will cause you guilt for thinking such thoughts. The guilt then reinforces the initial belief that they're out to get you. What's so irrational about that? Oh and regardless of how you react, people will go automatically blame the hormones, making you want to kill them even more. Oh when you tell people you are upset or down, or feel _______, people's instant reactions is to seemingly dismiss it with a throwaway "oh that'll be your hormones". But what if you are actually genuinely unhappy?*
I was a bit down for the last few months, which has been brought on my financial stress, emotional bother wondering if the father wants to be involved at the same time as trying to find somewhere to live AND fix a strained relationship with my own father, which went wrong because I got pregnant. You try and tell me that was "just" my hormones. I am feeling better now, I get to talk to my midwife reguarly and she referred me to see an adult psych nurse to make sure that I'll be coping and dealing with my worries and stresses, so that the baby and I can meet each other as intended and we are less likely to hate one another!
3. What they say:
"Your delivery time has arrived and you enter the hospital in labour ready for childbirth! You will be randomly checked to see how far dilated you are."
What that means:
What the doctors don't specify is that you will see a pattern around the tenth hour of labor. There is no 'random' about it. You will be checked for dilation only during contractions. Since many doctors are still men, see number 2 above. Also, who is really ready for childbirth?
4. What they say:
"What you see in the childbirth re-enactment videos sometimes given to expected parents will give you a realistic view of your beautiful birthing experience, marred only by a slightly perspiring mother smiling tremulously at the father who is gently dabbing her damp forehead."
What that means:
In labor, you will grunt, groan and possibly scream. Most importantly, at some point you will most likely shit yourself. Think carefully about this when planning your own birthing video and choose your cameraman wisely.
5. What they say:
"In addition to the mood swings, the hormones may cause vaginal discharge"
What that means:
From anything from week 6 onwards... As you get closer and closed to the day, your crotch will start to develop a mind of its own. At times, the word discharge will not cover it. You will feel like you have a slug living in your knickers and will be living in giant cotton pants wishing that someone would invent a panty liner that would absorb the fucking stuff.
6. What they say:
"It is different for everyone and every child you have, the pregnancy will be different"
What that means:
Pregnancy books are so great at being vague. The one I have, which is supposed to be the bestest thing ever, has silouettes of women and what their bumps might look like at your stage. What utter crap. I had these delusions that I might have a picture perfect person baby bump, but no, my belly button refuses to pop, let alone budge (unless Cupcake moves it herself but thats another weird story for tomorrow) so I have a sort of double belly when you look at me from the side... like some fat old women you see in the supermarket. Atleast my baby bump hsn't started from my back and worked its way around my middle, its definitely a baby bump, but I think she is building an extension.
You might get spots, your hair might grow nice and your nails go all strong. Or your complexion might clear up and your hair fall out of your head, but your underarm, leg and facial hair turn into thick horse hair. Your boobs might leak from the 1st trimester. You may or may not get cravings and or stretch marks. You might get morning sickness from day one until the day you give birth. If you don't get morning sickness you might get the worst period shits you have ever experienced in your life, for 3 months solid. Flatulence in public places might become the norm. Your genitals might swell up and "get juicy" and "ripen". The curls might fall out of your hair to make it poker straight. You may or may not get bleeding gums. Your sense of smell COULD go crazy sensitive. You get my drift.
However, just because someone else doesn't have the same symptoms as you, does not stop them commenting or giving you patronising little bits of advice. OR worse still, they had your symptoms, but a trillion times worse than you... because when they had little Tarquin, they wanted to eat pickled eggs and got morning sickness so bad they were on a drip for 13 years. Anyone would think with some women it is a competition as to who can suffer worst.
Also, when you get pregnant, hang your dignity at the door. From day one your body is no longer your own. People will start to man handle you from the start; friends included. Medical professionals measure, poke and prod you. They will also look at you from angles that you'd not do on a first a date (unless you are me of course hence how I got in this situation) in a scientific sense. When you go to your appointment, the midwife will interrogate you about your diet and lifestyle habits and tut and judge and make informed opinions regardless to the fact they do not have children themselves.
Your snatch will have been viewed by everyone and their dog by the end of it and say really annoying things when you are screaming for drugs like "you can do it!" and make noises and faces... but stay just out of reach so you can't actually reach and punch them.
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