Its over

I don't really know what to say. I know I should be moving on and thinking about the future but I just can't. What did I do wrong? Was it me? Was it something I should have done differently? Maybe if I was smarter or more adaptable things might have been different. But no. Here I am, with the sun shining and good family and my health around me, yet I'm bogged down with this sad thoughts and this contemplative grey clouded mood. 6 years of my life vested and given away to get nothing back. I was a completely different person, living in a different country, wanting different things from life. I grew as a person and there was ALWAYS a place for you wherever I was, or whatever I did. I put things on hold for you, my social life. I defended you and stood up for you when everyone slagged you off. And for what?

Maybe I shouldn't wear my heart on my sleeve and be so loyal? Maybe I should have aimed lower and had expected less? I guess I'll never know what went wrong and I'll never get closure on what happened and eventually these feelings will pass. But right now, it consumes me. I'm so emotional drained yet I don't fully understand. I knew the end was coming. I wasn't blind, but I thought maybe things would be different.

Oh Lost. I feel like I've been emotionally raped. Maybe in time I'll be able to move on and find another show, and I'll find one that gives me everything I need. Until then I can't even think about committing to another show. I'm so fragile and delicate right now, just thinking about the last few episodes gives me a goosebumps and a headache. I can't even look at a polar bear or black clouds of smoke without getting choked up. I promised myself I wouldn't cry any more, so I have to move on, and with that I'll try to not think about Sawyer and Juliet, time travel, alternate universes etc just a little less every day.